I had sat down to write this post many many times before and eventually wrote it down but kept it for just me. I figured with sharing our story of becoming parents, that sharing this would give more insight into our life (or at least my side of the story). People who don't actually experience difficulties with fertility will never be able to understand but for those who are like me in some ways, I hope that while being able to relate to what I wrote, it will give you some hope that you definitely are not alone on this stressful and trying journey.
"Some days are easier than others for sure. Some days I find myself in great spirits, my husband is amazing, everything is going great around us. I go throughout the day in such a great, loving, happy mood.
Then there are the days that I read or see that the teenager is pregnant, kids are being raised by the aunt or uncle or grandmother, and the mom that didn't mean to get pregnant or doesn't want to be bothered by raising a baby and aborts.
Those my friends, are the days that upset me the most. Those are the days that I want to put my head down and cry. Those are the days that I find myself asking "Why God? Why does SHE get babies? Why her and not me?"
Those days I find myself being in the worst place, I find myself getting jealous and angry. The thoughts that go through my head and control my attitude towards everything. Why does the girl who misuses your gift get it? Why does the one who would treasure it, not? What part of any of this makes sense in your All-Knowing mind? It saddens me to get upset at things that I have no control over. To let it control me into such thoughts and feelings. I just can't stop asking the questions "What about me God?"
And the phrase brings to mind another person who spoke similar words--Peter. Peter a lot of the times was short tempered and rash. He probably questioned God all the time about his all-knowing mind, especially when God told him about the death that was upon him. A death that Peter would stretch out his hands and be led where he did not want to go. And afterwards, Peter saw another disciple-- the one that Jesus loved-- and he asked, "What about him??" Jesus then said to Peter, "Whats that to you? You must follow me"
When reminding myself of such stories, my heart slows to anger. Peter got his answer that day and so did I. Jesus answers all of us. 'Why does she get babies" "Whats that to you? You must follow me."
Every day, I need to wake up, take up my cross, and serve Him. Give all the glory and honor to God and everything He has blessed me with. What is it to me who received the gift of a child? It isn't my call or my business as to why or why not.
I am a girl who loves God and wants to serve him every day of my life. And so far... I cannot bear a child. I've been asked to give up and give up and give up but when I stop and question, Jesus answers every time. "Whats that to you? You follow me."
My business is simply to just Follow Him.
And friends, your questions, Jesus answers as well.
Why does she get a husband who will actually work at their marriage? Why does she have a husband that is faithful? Why does she get a husband at all?
Why does she/he get a job that they love? Why does she get to stay home? Why does she have extra spending money? Why does she get to have a nicer house?
Why does she have a mother who cares? Why does she get a relationship with her family that is healthy?
Why...why...why...
Just remember what Jesus will say.... "Whats that to you? You follow ME."
www.youcaring.com/babylambert
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